Friday, November 30, 2012

Plan...Wait what letter are we on again?


You say you like my bravery (I think I'd probably call it recklessness, buy I appreciate it all the same!) well I admire your caution.

Sometimes running headfirst into something you're not sure about simply leaves you confused. I was catatonic for a month (at least) after I got home wondering if I'd just wasted a year of my life and even now when I have a little distance from the crushing feeling of failure I'm still doubting my ability to make life choices...

But for better or worse I'm not a cautious person.

Soooo where you've spent the last year carefully analyzing program and there pros and cons, waiting to take action until the time was right (which incidentally I think is the right way to do this) I'm jumping right into the next plan.

I love psychology. I love children. I love working with children who have in someway been damaged and watching them smile when I finally get through to them. I'm going to go back to school for my PsyD in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on treating children! I think where I went wrong with policy was wanting to make a difference and thinking that it would be a bigger difference on a bigger scale, but its not.

So psychology it is!

I've narrowed the list to 12 and when I have a much more manageable group I'll give them to you for your devil's advocate speech :)

But right now my top choice is the University of Indianapolis - you should see if they have good programs for you and Ben cause as unlikely as it is that all three of us would like the same school how awesome would it be!?

 I already emailed my three potential references and now I just have to worry about GRE scores - boo! I can't find my last score report online and I really don't want to pay $175 (one hundred and seventy five dollars!!!) especially with so little time to prep, but I'm hoping my undergrad GPA and the respectable grades I received in Hungary will go towards helping me if I have a low score. Maybe next time you're up we should have a GRE cram session with sweat pants and chocolate... I like the chocolate part!  

And just so you know if I go a day without thinking about what would have happened if I'd grown a set earlier and gone to school for theater it's astonishing. I think that this year we should make a new years resolution to stop living in the land of what ifs and just start living!


P.S. Love the Friends reference.
P.P.S. I abandoned my novel back in week 2 (you're much more disciplined than I am), but I would love to read what you have!!       

In Which There is (Probably) Much Whining

Dear Ashley,

I have to say I'm incredibly jealous of your bravery. I really admire your ability to decide to do something crazy (and awesome, but really, crazy) like go to Budapest, or not finish a program, and actually do it. I feel like I say how much I'd love to do X,Y and Z, but I don't actually have the balls to go DO X, Y and Z.

So I think it's awesome that you're going to go figure out something that you really want to do with your life. I'm definitely not. At least, not right now. I completely loathe my job.

TANGENT! I'm actually at work right now, but I'm watching the owner's baby, and the baby is sleeping *knock on wood.* But the walls of these old row houses are so thin that their neighbor sounds like she's coughing up a lung in the next house over and I had a mild panic attack that it was the baby making that noise. Because it sounds like it's the next room, not the next house.  /end tangent.

So anyway, I feel like I'm doing absolutely nothing with my life. I dread going to work every day. Mostly, I want to curl up in a little ball of depressed writer and cry. And watch shows like Grimm and wonder about being an actor.

Last night, winning NaNo a whole day early made me feel awesome...I haven't written that much in about two years. And I felt like I could do things again. I need to figure out how to harness that feeling though, and stick with it, because I'm feeling it slipping away again.

I need to start studying for the GRE. You should totally look into programs, because most of my deadlines are in January, and a couple of them are even in February, so there might still be plenty of time for you to get into something for next fall. Then this blog can turn into a bitch fest about how hard grad school is :)

Anyway, I'm going to apply to schools because I don't know what else to do with myself. I just know that I need something different. Thankfully, the Philly NaNo group is going to keep posting weekly progress update threads on the forum, so maybe with that sense of community I can keep working on things. And then there's EditMo in January, so my goal is work on applications and Christmas knitting in December and then Letters to Myself in January. I haven't looked at it all month, which I think is good. I never really let it simmer before I tried to start working on revising it, and all I could focus on were the things that didn't work, but I didn't know how to change them. Hopefully with a fresher eye, I'll have more inspiration.

So I tried really hard not to make this whole post one long whine, but I clearly didn't succeed. That's about where my life is right now, though. Boring, stagnant, in need of a change.
I told my mom the other day that I was like Friends circa Season 8: when it's not funny anymore, just sort of sad.

Let me know if I can help at all with your school picking process- I'll even give you my GRE book when I'm done with it- there's no way I'll get through all 8 practice tests.

To end with something positive, I'm pleased with my NaNo novel. It's complete and utter crap, but I like the characters, and I like the idea. I told Ben the other night, somewhere around 46,000 words, that I was feeling like I was figuring out who my characters were, and where they needed to go. And it only took 80 pages to get to that point!

But seriously, I think I can use some of this stuff. I definitely need to go back and research and plot. There was a lot of:  "It's June!" and then three sentences later it was October because that's when the event actually happened. Psh. Research is for suckers.

Anyway, it's almost time for me to go home, so I'm going to end this now.
Talk to you soon, I'm sure!


Monday, November 26, 2012

I Just Jumped and it Feels Great (I think)!

I feel like I haven't been completely honest with you and tonight I made a crazy, irresponsible choice and I'd like to share it with you.

Budapest was lovely and incredible and eye opening and I would never ever take it back. I met some wonderful people and learned some new things, but the last few months I fell into a bit of a slump and couldn't finish a few papers and my thesis. I was granted an extension till November 30.

Tonight I decided not to finish the program.

I don't love policy. Ok I love debating policy and reading about it and now I can comment on it intelligently, but its not my thing. You know?

I've decided to get back to Psychology. I didn't much like the counseling classes in undergrad, but I love talking to people and helping them and I think I'm pretty good at it! I'm gonna go in that direction - probably :p

I just wanted to let you know that your input means a lot to me and now we can go through the finding grad school thing together :)

That's all on my end. 

Congrats on 40,000 words! Can't wait to read it!!


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I Really am Having a Quarter Life Crisis and Other Musings


I miss this.
I mean at least when i was in Budapest, even though I was slowly drowning in self-doubt about potential career paths/life choices, I felt like I was actually living. But now I'm back in Oneonta and the self-doubt turns into a pity party a lot quicker without the view.

I'm working on the self-motivation thing - its certainly better than staring at the wall and wishing for my fairy godmother to drop in and give me until midnight to find my destiny which I certainly hope is more than a handsome prince, but I wouldn't say no to one of those either! I'll let you know how it's going when  I actually look away from the wall...

Sorry had to get that out of the way.

Happy NaNo!

I'm loving all your status updates and can't wait to read what you come up with!

I'm working very slowly having lost my 'whole day doing whatever I want time' to work. It's ok  though, actually having a paycheck makes it worth the lagging word count! And as mentioned on facebook I think I'll be able to catch up this weekend. Yay optimism.

Speaking of optimism. Any news on the GRE yet? Or decisions on which programs you're thinking about signing your soul away to? 

One last thing before I turn in for the night (10:00 - I'm like a little old woman!): Woot woot America! I was honestly worried for a second that the next four years would bring no change in our financial outlook and that our social policies would fall so far back I'd be praising God for my job as a secretary and begging potential suitors to view my working status not as empowerment, but a necessity for keeping house. I'm cautiously optimistic about our chances of improving as a country and that's all I'll say on the matter.

Happy writing!